


Don't Wanna Let You Go

by AvidlyReading



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Early Season 8, Hurt Sam and Dean, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, MOL Bunker, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-27
Updated: 2015-02-27
Packaged: 2018-03-15 13:06:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3448277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AvidlyReading/pseuds/AvidlyReading
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Things are not good between Sam and Dean when Dean found out that Sam didn't look for him. Both boys are hurt because nothing is right between them. And they finally talk it out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't Wanna Let You Go

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer : The characters are not mine.
> 
> No beta. Apologies for the mistakes.

Sam is sitting in the library in the bunker. They just returned from a hunt in Ohio yesterday. Nasty nest of blood sucking creatures. He doesn't like them. But he would choose them over angels and demons, any day.  
Sam reflects on his life. He can't pin point where it all became complicated. The only thing concrete about his fate is that he was already cursed even before he was born. His six month birthday only putting a seal on his already decided destiny to hell.   
He is reading something on the MoL archives but he had lost concentration a long time ago. Things are not okay between him and Dean. It hurts to even think how much has come between them. Their relationship has been complex from the beginning. No denying that. Dean has been more than a brother for him for as long as he can remember. Dean has been everything for him. Dean IS everything for him. He just doesn't know anymore what he should be doing to make things good between them. Dean was never one big on talking. But Sam still used to understand him. Now, there is so much between them. Friggin' angels and demons that he doesn't know where to begin. He just wants Dean back.  
Sam is still deep in thought when he hears some noise, he goes to check, already knowing it can only be Dean. The bunker is as safe as it can get. Dean is pouring himself a drink. Sam thinks he should just go back and continue what he was doing. But again, he wasn't doing anything. He makes his way to the table where Dean is sitting and pulls himself a chair. Dean looks up at him, surprised, not expecting to see Sam here.  
"You still awake" Dean asks, not looking at Sam, just looking down and drinking from his glass.  
"Couldn't sleep". Sam says. Dean doesn't have to know that he doesn't get enough sleep. He was the one who wanted for them to have a place to settle down, but he can't be more miserable about it. Life on the road was good, he thinks. At least they used to be in the same space when they weren't on a hunt. Now, its like after every hunt, they part their ways. Staying in the same place, still Sam feels that they couldn't be more far. He doesn't know how he manages day through day. But can he do anything about it? He can't even wish death for himself. Even that isn't an ultimate way to end his suffering anymore. Hell was more bearable than this. This is eating him from inside out. Dean doesn't trust him anymore. Doesn't love him also, he thinks. When Dean looks at him, Sam only sees accusing eyes which are only for Sam. Gone is the warmth from them which used to make Sam feel on top of the world. He thinks if Dean could let him go, he would.   
Sam just wishes he could cease to exist. He doesn't want to exist in a universe where Dean doesn't care for him anymore. But its a lie, even Sam knows it. Dean still cares, he has just stopped showing. He has stopped making Sam feel that he is something precious. Sam feels worthless now, without Dean telling him that he is everything for him. Nothing has mattered, except Dean. And if Dean doesn't deem him worthy of anything, well then, what's there to say.  
He stands up, ready to go to his bedroom, try to get some sleep, which he thinks won't come, considering the train of thought his mind seems to be going on.   
"You okay?" Dean asks, looking up at him with glazed eyes.  
"Yeah. I am good." Sam gives him the usual reply which seems to satisfy Dean now a days. 'I deserve it..' Sam thinks to himself. Dean hasn't been happy for a long time, neither has been Sam. And you can't clap with one hand only. Both are equal to blame for their current situation. Its their fault. They have let everyone come between them, manipulate them. Talking with anyone and everyone who are not each other. Even when the forces of hell and heaven are busy with their messes, he and Dean can't seem to act like adults and talk to each other. They have let misunderstandings fester between them.   
Sam leaves. Dean doesn't say anything else, and its like everyday here. And he wants to get out from here. From this place, from Dean. Whose detachment and indifference he can't handle. They had been so close, that these space between them is making Sam lose his mind. Its like a physical thing present between them. And he just can't. He goes to bed with a heavy heart, and thinking how he is going to ask Dean about it. He still needs Dean's permission. Too long playing the role of small brother, and Dean being big brother that he can't just act without informing Dean, or taking permission from him. He doesn't get a wink of a sleep and stops trying.

Dean has been trying to sleep for a long time now. Can't seem to shut his mind. He finally gives up the pretence of sleeping. How can he sleep. The only thing running in his mind is Sam. How messed up things are between them. He doesn't have anyone to blame but themselves. God, this is just so messed up. Thinking about it, he just wants to cry. Its like he is drowning and no one is there to pull him, but he won't drown. He will just suffer in the abyss. No one to take him out of his misery. The only person who could do it, Dean has pushed him away. Has built steel walls around him. And the only person he wants to keep close is getting further away from him. He needs to do something. He has to let go of the past. Of thinking that Sam doesn't need him anymore, doesn't want him. He is not the only one hurting over this. He has seen Sam. The lines under his eyes. The face which used to be bright, now etched with sadness. God, how has he let things between them become like this?   
He goes to the main living room. There are so many rooms in the bunker, he doesn't know what to call them. He hears someone talking, must be Sam and stops in his tracks. He sees Sam sitting on one of the chairs, he didn't sleep as well, probably. He is on the phone. Dean wonders who he is talking to. They don't have many people who they can talk with.  
"Yeah everything is okay.. How's it going on the angel front.." He hears Sam saying. Must be Cas then. There is something being said on the other side, and Sam nods. Then remembering he is on the phone, says yes.  
"I don't know how he is." Sam says. And Dean's heart breaks a little. He sees Sam closing his eyes tightly at something that Cas has said and instantly wants to punch him to make Sam like this.  
'I am such a hypocrite..' Dean thinks. He wants to punch anyone and everyone who hurts Sam, and what about himself.   
"I don't want to talk about it. Talk to you later, Cas. Bye..." Sam ends the phone call and puts his head in his both hands. Dean wants to go and comfort him. But he hasn't done that in a while. He hears Sam sniffing and can't stop himself at that. He walks towards Sam, not hiding that he is there and sees Sam quickly wiping his face. 'Too late' Dean thinks.  
"I thought that you went to sleep.." Dean says, softly. Not shortly like he does now a days.  
"Yeah... Couldn't sleep.." Sam says in a voice that sounds like he has been crying, or trying very hard not to cry.  
"Why can't you sleep Sam? You have not been sleeping well for weeks now man, that's not healthy.." Dean says. These are the most words he has said to Sam in a long time when they are not on a hunt. And Dean is already feeling better. On a familiar ground. Sam looks at him, surprised, like he couldn't believe that Dean even noticed this, and it makes Dean feel even worse than before. Sam isn't saying anything though. Just looking at Dean with changing expressions. Like he can't decide what to feel about this.  
"Hey, talk to me man, please.." Dean puts a hand on Sam's elbow and Sam's face contorts. Like he is trying to keep all the emotions in, but his face breaks. Tears start streaming down Sam's face and he tries hastily to wipe them away with his hands, and tries to shrug off the hand on his elbow. But Dean is not letting him go, not this time. Not till he talks, makes Sam understand that he is not the only one who feels like this.  
"Let me go." Sam says, in a husky voice.   
"No." Dean says, simply.   
"Not till you tell me what's going on with you.." Dean says.   
"There is nothing going on with me.." Sam says, still trying to pry his elbow from Dean's grip. But he isn't trying too hard. Dean has known Sam, and this is not him trying to escape. Maybe Sam also wants to talk. Dean feels some hope at the notion.  
"So you just feel like crying.? Huh?" Dean pushes Sam on the chair once again.  
"What do you care Dean?" Sam says, and Dean wants to punch himself that he made Sam think like he doesn't care anymore.  
"You know I care Sam.. You know that.. Don't you say that to me.." Dean says, not caring that he is also on the verge of crying.  
"Yeah... I know. You do. Isn't that the mother of all problems. You don't want to. But you can't stop..." Sam says, and aint that the absolute truth. Dean can't shut down the feeling that is Sam.   
"You gotta understand Sam, understand where I am coming from.. Its not easy for me man.." Dean says, his voice breaking.  
"Don't you think I know that Dean? I know you are angry at me, mad at me. Because you have some kind of notion that I betrayed you by not looking for you, and you wouldn't believe me if I say other wise. But even if you are mad at me, just do anything, punch me, anything, just not this. I can't Dean. I can't take your indifference. If you can't, just let me go then.." Sam says, and Dean is just stuck on his last words.  
"You can't ask me that Sam, not after what we have been through. You know I can't do that.." Dean says in a small voice.  
"Then talk to me.. Don't enstrange me. I know you hate me Dean.. Just take it out in another way than this.." Sam says, in an equally small voice.  
"What? You think that?!! I don't hate you Sammy, never have and never will. And I don't want to hate you. Loving you, like a brother, like everything, it is the best thing that has happened to me, more than that, its who I am. You should know, there is no me without you, and I don't want it any other way." Dean says this, all the while looking at Sam so Sam understands how very true this is. Sam is crying freely now. Not even trying to stop it.  
"I am sorry, I never intended to make you feel like I didn't care or didn't love you. I was just hurt Sam, and you know this is the only coping I know how to do.." Dean continues speaking in a small voice. Emotions barely reined in. He is going to cry any moment, he knows that. But doesn't care. He is tired of all the pent up anger and the hurt. He just wants Sam now.  
"I know, but it hurts Dean. I know its not your fault. I am to blame also. And I am sorry I made you feel like that.. But Dean...God, Dean I am tired, I can't take it anymore. Its eating me from the inside. I had to endure a year worse than hell without you. And this, this is even worse than that..because you are here, but still you aren't here with me... I just need you back, I need us back..." Sam crumbles and Dean takes him in his arms, finally feeling like he belongs here, with Sam. Whispering apologies to Sam, and promises of trying.. Sam is getting under control now. Even Dean is crying now. Finally letting go of all the hurt and pain. And remaining with the feeling that is Sam, only Sam. He knows it won't be a smooth ride, but with Sam, it has never been. And that's the essence of their relationship. Always making through the bumps. And they will surely pass this as well.  
Dean plants a chaste kiss on Sam's forehead, vowing to try to make things better between them. Sam holds one of his hands tightly, showing that he understood what Dean was trying to say. Together, they make their way to Dean's bedroom. Sam laying in Dean's arms after a really long time. A watery smile playing on his lips. Dean can't help but smile back. It feels like it has been ages since he had seen Sam smile. Whatever comes tomorrow, it will be easier. And he knows both will sleep well now.


End file.
